When your filters are full

“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.”
― Shahida Arabi

Over the past few weeks I have passed about 14 kidney stones and what looked like sand from the beaches of Florida. Even as I sit here typing, there are a few more moving their way down. In my research to calm these pebbles down, I learned that some pour soul had something like 170,000 stones. There is no way my brain can even fathom that amount of jagged little buggers dancing around in my renal system.

The kidneys play an important part in the body’s filtration system. When they get full of gunk, the rest of the system doesn’t work at full capacity, and you get clogged in other areas. Sometimes stones shake loose and just run around in your bladder. If they all decided it’s a good day for a party, you get a whole other kind of issue. But anyway…

In various healing traditions, from holistic to the intensely woo woo, the kidneys play an important role in keeping you grounded, safe, balanced in emotions, and so on. They help you discern what is helpful to you, and work as a scout to keep you safe. Heck, I just spent 20 minutes exploring the footnotes from an article in the Journal of the American Society of Nephrology that discussed kidneys and the Bible. So it seems, to me, that these little bean shaped organs play a much larger part in our daily life than we would like to admit. Or, rather, for me, I was not understanding what my body was trying to tell me.

My boundaries were damaged, my filter was full, and it was time to get rid of the baggage given to me by others.

“I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun; and behold! the Shadow has departed! I will be a Shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien

For far too long I’ve run away from that which calls to me. Also, I keep allowing the same scenarios to happen in my life — which usually involve my remedial skills in boundary tending. My castle is beautiful, full of everything I need and love, but the drawbridge is in need of work. Let’s just say that my ability to perceive things asking entrance as: 1) good for me; 2) bad for me – is a little broken. Even when my whole being says, “Oh, Kim, honey…we can’t let that into our castle,” some small part of me, that resides in Kid Land will say, “WE HAVE GUESTS! PARTY TIME!”

The message gets translated to my heart and brain as, “How ‘bad’ could those black knights, on dark horses, with fire at their hooves, really be, anyway? Plus, if we love them enough, they might change!” Then the self talk about being a survivor, and how I can handle this, goes into over drive. Slowly, and with a little caution, I allow That Which Is Not Mine into my sanctuary. I’ve done this for years.

That is, until I decided that I am a strong confident woman, that don’t need insidious interlopers in my cloister.

Oh, and that “No!” is really a full sentence.

As the saying goes, nature really does abhor a vacuum. Try pulling weeds from your flower garden, without putting something in that spot, and see what happens. A more practical version of this is how the roads look after being salted all winter. No one likes driving over all those potholes. Same is true for those sponge like filtration twins. They need nourishment, reminders of how awesome they are, and plenty of water. Along with that, the entirety of your body needs rest. I know it really out here being 2019, and we all have to work until we die, but you’re gonna get to the end a lot quicker if you aren’t sleeping/healing.

Oh, and you need to get that which “poisons” you out of your castle, close the drawbridge, pick up something beautiful, and don’t let anything else in until it has your permission.

I took quite some time off from blogging, working, and trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up, so that I could see who I already am. All the things I thought I had to be got all gathered up, and were causing me some serious stress. For a bit, they have to sit outside the perimeter of my world, and I am being pretty firm on what else comes into my space. Also, I realized that my work – from health to creativity – was coming from a place where I wanted it to validate my existence. You know, getting 100 likes within 10 minutes of making a post, kind of “validation.” Or, that those around me would somehow go, “DAMN, Kim, that’s some dope ass shit you are laying down.” Now my work is my own. If others like it, that’s awesome. When people ask for my services for free, because they know me, or feel that those on a more spiritual path shouldn’t make any money, I very kindly tell them that they are barking up the wrong tree. I am valuable. My services are valuable. Time is a precious resource, and I’m no longer giving it away.

My filters are clean, and I have no intention of letting them get that dirty ever again.


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Finding My Magic

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
― Paulo Coelho

This post has been gestating in my Soul for some time. It has nothing to do with being afraid of sharing, or worrying about the state of the social media/online culture, but more like not having the correct language to explain an obscure subject. I had to walk through the valleys, climb some self made mountains, and find some backup in case things got wonky.

There’s a lot to cover in this post, so you might want to grab your drink and get comfortable. This won’t be some long rambling post, as I’ve become much better at not having to give some validating back story to prove that my experiences are real. All credit for this new shift in my life goes to my amazing husband and kids, the best framily around, and a wisely sharp therapist. And, yes, there is the hard work that I’ve done on my own, too – I am not downplaying that aspect of my path, just giving credit where credit is due.

Over the course of some years, heck maybe even a lifetime, I lost my magic. Not in just a metaphorical sense, but in a very tangible manner. Something within me had been taught, by life and circumstance, that my Kim-ness was not real. While I could most surely pinpoint it to some primary event in my life, which I can’t even remember, the tapes of that experience were playing over and over again. Even something simple, like making dinner, became an inner dialogue of trying to figure out “what was wrong with me.”

Spoiler alert: Nothing was wrong with me – well, I mean, I do have some health and wellness issues, but what I thought was “wrong” is actually everything that is right.

Back to the magic…

For the past year I have been doing a metric ton of research on my pedigree (side note: that word is so weird to use in genealogy) for two reasons: genetic health info and the stories of my ancestors. The things I have are quite literally nothing short of supernatural. Cousins from across the pond who look almost identical to me, relatives who live just a few counties over that still own family land, and stories of generations past that feel parallel to my moments of my life.

Learning about these people helped me gather a greater understanding about my Self, while also showing me that I’m not alone in the World. The biggest part of this is learning that what I viewed as my weaknesses are actually my strengths. In fact the biggest hurdle I have to jump is keeping my boundaries in good order.

And that’s where the magic is – in proper boundaries, keeping grounded, and always working to become a better human. The later has never been an issue, but the first two are the biggest unknowns. To “get better,” I am doing remedial work in how not to let anyone crawl over the drawbridge of my Kim fortress. No joke, y’all, this is like stuff you were taught before the age of 10. Thankfully, as mentioned above, I have some good folks supporting me, who remind me that everything is consent…and that healing doesn’t require that you crawl across broken glass for others to understand you.

So, that’s where I am in the Amazing Journey Of Kim Finding Her Magic. Quite literally I am The Fool gathering my bundle and setting out on the open road. The quest seems easy, and I know there will be some characters along the way – as well as some dangers – but I am ready for it.

All love,
~ Kim

The second Sabbatical

“Stress accumulates in our body. The way we eat, drink, and live takes its toll on our well-being. Lying down and bringing gentle awareness to our breath, we can realize rest and recovery for our physical body.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

Hello y’all!

It’s been a nice time away, and I’m almost done with my recent “second Sabbatical.” Big hugs and lots of fairy dust to everyone.

So tell me, what’s shaking in your part of the world?

~ Kim

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