“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
― Paulo Coelho
This post has been gestating in my Soul for some time. It has nothing to do with being afraid of sharing, or worrying about the state of the social media/online culture, but more like not having the correct language to explain an obscure subject. I had to walk through the valleys, climb some self made mountains, and find some backup in case things got wonky.
There’s a lot to cover in this post, so you might want to grab your drink and get comfortable. This won’t be some long rambling post, as I’ve become much better at not having to give some validating back story to prove that my experiences are real. All credit for this new shift in my life goes to my amazing husband and kids, the best framily around, and a wisely sharp therapist. And, yes, there is the hard work that I’ve done on my own, too – I am not downplaying that aspect of my path, just giving credit where credit is due.
Over the course of some years, heck maybe even a lifetime, I lost my magic. Not in just a metaphorical sense, but in a very tangible manner. Something within me had been taught, by life and circumstance, that my Kim-ness was not real. While I could most surely pinpoint it to some primary event in my life, which I can’t even remember, the tapes of that experience were playing over and over again. Even something simple, like making dinner, became an inner dialogue of trying to figure out “what was wrong with me.”
Spoiler alert: Nothing was wrong with me – well, I mean, I do have some health and wellness issues, but what I thought was “wrong” is actually everything that is right.
Back to the magic…
For the past year I have been doing a metric ton of research on my pedigree (side note: that word is so weird to use in genealogy) for two reasons: genetic health info and the stories of my ancestors. The things I have are quite literally nothing short of supernatural. Cousins from across the pond who look almost identical to me, relatives who live just a few counties over that still own family land, and stories of generations past that feel parallel to my moments of my life.
Learning about these people helped me gather a greater understanding about my Self, while also showing me that I’m not alone in the World. The biggest part of this is learning that what I viewed as my weaknesses are actually my strengths. In fact the biggest hurdle I have to jump is keeping my boundaries in good order.
And that’s where the magic is – in proper boundaries, keeping grounded, and always working to become a better human. The later has never been an issue, but the first two are the biggest unknowns. To “get better,” I am doing remedial work in how not to let anyone crawl over the drawbridge of my Kim fortress. No joke, y’all, this is like stuff you were taught before the age of 10. Thankfully, as mentioned above, I have some good folks supporting me, who remind me that everything is consent…and that healing doesn’t require that you crawl across broken glass for others to understand you.
So, that’s where I am in the Amazing Journey Of Kim Finding Her Magic. Quite literally I am The Fool gathering my bundle and setting out on the open road. The quest seems easy, and I know there will be some characters along the way – as well as some dangers – but I am ready for it.